My Original Form Is a Formless State

I want the people who read this to know that this project began with my struggle against my own self-deception and my own self-understanding of myself and of the outside. And with the outside I have had to understand what human beings, animals, life itself and the universe are. I wonder how many people will be willing to free themselves from their understanding and judgment in order to try to understand my own vision.

I do not write this to convince anyone. I do not write this so that people will think I am someone special, or to receive admiration, or to build myself a philosophical pedestal from which to look down on the world. I write this because I need to be honest. Because the earlier texts of this philosophy are contemplative, structured, designed for others to receive calmly. But the truth of how all this was born is neither contemplative nor structured. It is chaotic. Painful. Sometimes ridiculous. Sometimes terrifying. And if I want to be consistent with what I defend—that authenticity is the foundation of the path—then I need to show the real path. Not the polished map, but the mud, the falls, the dead ends, the nights when I did not know whether I was discovering something genuine or losing my mind.

I am not a teacher. I am a walker who has stumbled enough times to recognize some of the holes in the path. And I point them out not because I have dodged them all, but because I have fallen into most of them.

Since my earliest memories, I have experienced an emotional intensity and a sensitivity toward my surroundings that seemed out of place for my age. I have always seen the world with curious eyes, eager to understand it from its deepest roots. But that same curiosity and intensity generated a constant clash between my own essence and the social environment in which I grew up.

My mother taught me values from an early age. She made me question things, she answered with questions so that I would keep thinking, and that helped me a lot. I was allowed to explore my curiosity on my own, which led me to build my own inner world from a very young age. But when things went wrong at home, there were no longer any norms or rules. It was a free-for-all. Then I would ask myself: why?

I grew up in an environment of manipulation, both familial and social. I learned very young how people fought for social power. I saw a dissociation between people's words and their actions that made me distance my inner world from society, although my intention was always to share it while I made it grow. My parents' divorce was not only a physical separation: it was an emotional war in which my brother and I were used as weapons and shields. That deeply toxic environment left its mark on my perception of human relationships and led me to take refuge in my inner world as the only path to keep my sanity and my essence intact.

During my school years I suffered constant abuse because of my firm commitment to nonviolence and my refusal to betray my inner principles, despite the high price I had to pay. I swore oaths to myself: I will not harm others, I will respect everyone else. Because of that oath to myself, I suffered abuse for more than four years without responding even once, because what mattered to me was what I did, which depended on me.

There was a breaking point where I lost control to the point of almost causing irreparable harm to another person. That episode left a deep mark on me. It generated a constant inner struggle between my innate desire for peace and the deep indignation at the injustices I was living through. And in the midst of that adversity something arose in me that changed everything: a profound capacity for observation. I began to observe human interactions as if they were an intricate dance of masks and lies. And soon I focused that capacity on myself.

I fell deeper into loneliness. I felt that my connection with people had been broken and that, in order to speak with them, I had to lower myself to their level. No one saw what I saw. And that childhood loneliness was not a problem to be solved. It was the ground where my inner world began to grow.

What happened to me afterward is hard to explain in words, but I am going to try.

Between the observer and the observed, as you gradually detach from your own judgment, you feel that you disconnect from yourself. Something like being the one who observes oneself while that same you is the one who receives the perception from the outside and holds your judgment, emotions and senses. It is as if you close your eyes, create a first-person mental image of yourself, of what you think, believe and feel through the senses, your emotions and experiences—which is what creates your judgment—and observe it from the outside. Who or what is it that observes that from the outside?

That is what I call third-person mode. It is like transcending yourself in order to disconnect from the ego and be the consciousness. Or the space that surrounds the ego like an energetic mass within your own mental space. That was the first state of awakening. And it was terrifying and liberating at the same time.

The second step was to integrate your perception and senses with the outside in that state. It is like turning everything that surrounds you, observed and observer, into a single perception. And the third is that from there a new world opens up. It is like being born again. It falls to you to unlearn every preconceived concept and to hold your individual vision, the social vision or perception, and that of each individual, in one single judgment. Understanding the basis of this very thing. Something like seeing through the essence of things while being it.

For two years I did not show what I thought, believed or felt. Completely closed off to everyone else, in my own darkness. It was a very dark journey, full of negative emotions, in which I came to identify how I felt about the things that happened to me. I was very young, and for me it was like discovering each emotion: I would submerge myself in it until I reached the bottom and look for its source or what drove it.

I read a lot as a child. Manga that portrayed philosophies through characters. Viking cultures, the warrior's code, bushido, Taoism, Buddha, stories with different laws and worlds. And as I came to know myself, I came to understand how I myself worked, my essence, and what made me move. I picked up the habit of asking myself: why, how, and what for?

Imagination is very powerful for one's own development and growth. But it can also detach you from reality if you are not aware of what it is: a tool for your own growth, not a refuge for your ego.

I am going to tell what happened. Without embellishment. Without cheap mysticism. Just as I lived it.

I had in my head the ego-consciousness duality and the second duality, thinking and reasoning versus not thinking and not reasoning. The four principles of the philosophy of the Art of the Path. And something told me that it did not fit, that it was not right. Thoughts began to come: matter without space cannot exist, and what happens in space without matter? If everything is energy, is matter energy? What exists first, energy or time? If time is energy, energy must exist before time.

E = mc². What does it really mean? If energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, if we understand the speed of light as motion, is energy not mass in motion? And if everything we know is mass and the space where it manifests, what was there before the big bang? Only mass and space.

And with these ideas I imagined myself in my mental space. At first I was both the space and a mass in the space that I recognized as me. I tried to move and the space kept extending the whole time, curving and seeming to become infinite. And then I remember thinking: do not let yourself be fooled by the illusion. Space is an existence in itself with sealed energy that gives it a minimum mass. And then I saw the curve distorted from the cube itself, as if I had never moved, as if it had been space itself that was moving and my movement was moving my relative time with respect to the cube.

Then I expanded it as far as I could, imagining the universe, and I compressed everything we know and everything I could imagine into a small cube. And I was myself and at the same time I was fused with the cube. I became part of both the space and the mass of the space. And then it simply happened. I saw nothing. I simply felt it. I lived the experience from beginning to end, and after opening my eyes I felt that I had the understanding inside me.

I was tempted to let myself be carried away by that wave and disappear. It was like an infinite peace. And that peace fought against my judgment. From the MCMC, it is as if the entropy of the system wanted to drag me toward the inevitable, as if my own existence were going against the universe. Then I understood that my judgment acts as my own entropy. At fundamental levels I am entropy. And all my life I have grown by strengthening my barrier while I expand it.

After giving shape to that experience, I arrived at a conclusion that became the root of everything that came afterward.

Everything is mass and space. Without dimensions. Determinate mass and indeterminate space. The source is the root. The root is where everything begins. There are two kinds of sources that make up the root, two opposite and complementary essences that cannot exist by themselves. Mass without a space that defines it cannot exist or manifest. A space without any reference makes its existence meaningless. These two entities were everything at the same time that they are nothing by themselves.

The integration of these two opposite and complementary essences generated the root that manifested as the primordial state of the universe: the irreducible dual unity. Being everything at the same time as being nothing. But the system was not perfect. There was an inherent conflict: the determinate essence and the formless state found themselves in a tension that generated entropy and the birth of the world.

From there the Adrián Field was born as the mediator of that tension. From there the successive collapses, the dimensions, the fundamental forces were born. The whole Multiple-Collapse Cosmological Model came out of that night. Not from a calculation. Not from an academic reading. From an experience lived in the first person within my own mental space, which I later had to translate into mathematical and physical language so that others could evaluate it.

I am so proud to reread my first notes after months of work, because I see how the seed of that night kept growing until it became a complete model. But I am also aware of how stupid my reason for the manuscript is: to understand it and to share it with everyone else. Stupid because the world is not designed to receive something like this. Not because of the content, but because people are not willing to let go of their constructions in order to try to see what another saw.

I have to say that most of the understanding comes from my own philosophy. The MCMC was not born from physics. It was born from looking within and discovering that the structure of the universe and the structure of the human mind are the same thing expressed on different scales.

Honestly, it is all the same. Everything is the same thing expressed in different forms and structures. The universe, the human being, life, societies, me breathing, you reading, and the cat I look after, who is here beside me sleeping while I listen to music. Everything is two kinds of energy structured in different forms and that in this way allow each other's existence.

Every human being with consciousness and ego represents an individual universe, like an independent closed system within another, larger one—the universe—and in coexistence with other complete universes—other human beings. The human mind is the space where the ego and consciousness dwell in a relationship of balance and tension, exactly like mass and space in the cosmos. Thoughts are like indeterminate energy that exists in a state of possibility before becoming actions. The process by which thoughts are transformed into actions is comparable to the collapse of indeterminate energy into cosmic events.

Relativity together with the subjectivity that comes from our intrinsic core and the inherent duality generate human judgment. Something that in turn is the very source that provides identity and uniqueness to the human being as an animal and a living being. This same thing generates a relative and subjective vision of each individual, which as a whole constitutes humanity.

I do not blame the human being. It is simply ignorance of oneself and of the outside itself. I believe that the human being's need for control comes from determinacy itself and gives birth to a need for structuring and cataloging, seeking understanding and comprehension from the ego's justification in order to validate itself and maintain its own security.

Objectivity has no reason to exist in absolute terms. I believe it is a human need for security and control and thereby seeks a justification by giving it a meaning. But we remain stuck in a halfway relativity and never reach the end in order to be reborn. Precisely when one understands that nothing lacks meaning, one comprehends that with each action one gives oneself meaning and that human thought is our potentiality to reach a freedom of choice that, when transformed into action, becomes determinate.

I am going to resolve an ambiguity that has been haunting me for years, because I believe it is necessary in order to understand where I come from.

Within the human mind there exist both the ego and consciousness. At the level of thoughts, we can have thoughts anchored to our ego, dependent on our senses and emotions. Consciousness is all thought outside our own identity and self-perception. And we have the power to create a consciousness superior to ourselves, with its truth and judgments superior to our own. That generates in our mind a dependence of the rest of our ego and consciousness on this superior consciousness. Generating a god in our mind that is nothing more than a determinate structure.

God exists in the consciousness of the people who believe in it. And that structure is made of indeterminate energy, therefore it cannot manifest itself in reality, no matter what form one gives it. It can only manifest through our own actions. It is like the space of our own mind: we can give it whatever form we want and this will affect our ego, but it is simply a part of us, no more and no less.

Atheists deny the human part of the imagination that leads to the concept of god without it existing in reality, along with the beliefs and the power these have within oneself. And the religious take a truth—which is always subjective—and turn it into the sacred or divine through their own interpretations. Then they see themselves with the authority to point the finger at others and do not realize that they themselves are dividing themselves from the rest, biasing their perception of the world.

And I too have an image of god. For me, god is my future self whom I imagine in the present. And I struggle so that that future self will be proud of my present and in that way be able to reach it. My future self does not exist in the present. What there is in my heaven is objectivity in all its forms, and I decide my own structure while I accept that the rest of them can exist and are options that I have discarded and excluded in order to form my own path.

Spirituality, soul or other references that define the uniqueness of each individual with something immaterial are, for me, nothing more than the mental representation of the intrinsic core of each individual, linked with something material from the outside in order to represent it. Divinity is a human categorization. The absolute or supreme does not exist, since primordial energy is the unity within a duality that, separately, cannot exist.

There are so many things that I see as so illogical in today's world that it is not that I do not feel human. It is that I feel that societies and I move in opposite directions.

The senselessness of seeking freedom through nations or structures when that very thing takes freedom away from the human being. The senselessness of believing ourselves free when we are born in a dependent state and need the outside in order to survive. At birth, our consciousness and ego are like water and a rock without color or properties, and we acquire these from the outside without having control over it. Then we can purify our own water and stone within our possibilities in order to give it the form we desire. But almost no one does.

Nowadays the individual creates a social mask and links their personality to that very mask, distancing themselves even further from themselves and polarizing their subjective vision, pushing away everyone who does not think like them and creating closed groups in the form of social factions. We have deformed everything so much that, even though we speak the same language, people can hardly communicate. Most problems come from non-understanding and non-communicative communication between people. This happens because instead of communicating, we interact and interpret from our own vision.

And I, who see it, who feel it every day, who detect the masks in the first sentences, who perceive the distance between what someone says and what they really feel, what do I do with that? I cannot pretend that I do not see it. I cannot go back to the surface and play the game as if I did not know the rules. But neither can I point out what I see without the other feeling attacked, because the mask is what they believe they are.

The attempt at control that we have been suffering for years, from ourselves toward people's minds, through every possible manipulation, can be summed up in two parts. On one hand, the attack on one's own consciousness, replacing it with one imposed through indoctrination and dogmas. On the other hand, the overstimulation of the ego through consumer society. And the result is a humanity that has lost the war against itself and has lost sight of the inner duality of the human being.

Faced with the objectivity of the universe, we are no one. Subjectivity is our reason for existing and at the same time the greatest bias of our experience in life. But subjectivity without consciousness of itself is a prison, not freedom.

I wish that what I have discovered would be used for good things. But it is like phones: intention does not change the consequences of actions. And knowing both sides of human nature, it was obvious what was going to happen when I tried to share it.

I have had the experience of sharing my ideas with people who seemed genuinely interested. People with whom I opened up, with whom I shared files, concepts, pieces of the model. And what I found was not collaboration but power games. Someone who led me to understand that they needed a part of the work in their name for their academic career. Someone who insinuated things to make me believe something and to make me share more of the formula. Someone who used my warning about the other person against me, to manipulate the situation to their benefit.

And the best part is that when you realize that they are playing mask games, you have to put on yours and play the game. My mask has no form. I have a poker face and my methods differ from the norm. I know all too well the kind of people they are and how to use that to protect myself. Do you like reading it? It is what it is. We all know how to play. The difference is that I do not play to gain power but to protect what I have built.

Everything has always been in my name. I have been sharing past files, past walls, to see whether they would follow me with the idea. And they did not follow me. I have used misleading terms during creation in case they stole the project from me. I have given the keys but they have not been able to see it. Because to see it you need to have done the inner work that I have done, and people with a strong ego and a preconceived concept of truth or of the absolute stand no chance with this.

The real pain was not that they tried to take advantage of my work. The pain was discovering that their position mattered more to them than the truth. That they preferred to invent narratives, to lie, to attack others, rather than admit their own motivations. I saw firsthand how reality is a social construction and has nothing to do with objective truth unless people face it socially.

We can imitate and copy, but something that cannot be changed is the intentions and benefits behind our actions, over and above what shows or is seen. And the form we give to intentions and benefits comes from our perception, comprehension and understanding of the world.

There were meditations that transformed me in ways I cannot explain rationally. I am going to tell two.

The first was when I reached a point of such deep emotional pain that I needed to close my eyes and go in. I went in so deep that I saw myself mentally, creating an image of observing myself from the outside. And at that moment I saw my own emotions as spheres with their own form, color and size. I drew near to feel them and see them for what they really were. I had the one of love representing pain, very damaged and strong. When I looked closely it had several chains tied to it from an old relationship in which I made promises to myself that I was not able to overcome properly. And upon realizing it, I told myself that I had already kept my word, and that my will holds as long as they do not fail or betray me. From that point a bifurcation was created where I changed my direction and understood that I have to accept that what is mine depends only on me.

The second was in a spa, alone, under great mental pressure. I practiced Zhan Zhuang in the pool, letting myself flow with the movement of the water and feeling it without opposing any resistance, imitating how I embraced the tree. For a moment I felt the tree, and myself as the crown. When I focused on my legs I saw and felt them like the roots of a tree, expanding underneath. Then there was a moment where I went from feeling that I was embracing the tree to being the tree itself. My arms and head were the branches, my chest the trunk, my legs the roots. It was supremely liberating.

These meditations were not techniques learned from a book. They were responses of my own system to the pressure I was bearing. Pain opened doors that comfort would never have opened. The emotional crisis was the trigger of the inner collapse that released sealed energy. Exactly as in the MCMC: accumulated tension generates entropy, entropy exceeds a threshold, and the system collapses toward a new configuration with more dimensions.

My personal experiences, even the most painful ones, have been essential in the construction of my vision of the world. Accepting objective reality, rejecting self-deception and maintaining a firm commitment to my intrinsic core allowed me to transcend suffering and transform it into a profound inner wisdom.

Society seems to be anchored and does not want to grow its own entropy. As if the people who have not done their own inner work wanted to drag others toward mediocrity. It is something I do not understand: why do we live in societies of power structures? Why is the structure not designed to control power instead of people?

There are so many people who really think that an education is being given to young people, when those people treat themselves and the rest as human products that must produce in order to be good people and fulfill their obligations to society. We have reached a point where people are not able to see others outside their own world, governed by an ego that has been imposed on them added to their own biological one, and they are not aware of it. Before knowing someone's thinking, reasoning and why, we prefer to justify it with our own vision of the world and draw conclusions from it.

This prevents us from knowing the inner worlds of those who have striven for their own personal growth. And the most curious thing is that people live using social masks, imitating and copying things from others for their own benefit, making a mixture of truth and lies that is hard to distinguish.

How to be able to express what I know, see and feel in mere words. Before anything else, always remember: words are only words. They are not something sacred. They are not something fixed in a relative universe. Each subjective judgment has a different understanding of the same words we use. And if we want to understand one another and stop being reactive, I believe it is a very important step.

It is not about what you see, but how you see it and how many points of view you can hold within a finite infinite. The infinity of possibilities limited to the finite of our bodies and lives. I wish it would be used for good things. But I have even hesitated to publish it so as not to give clues about some other things. What I am sure of is that people with a strong ego and a preconceived concept of truth or the absolute will not be able to see it.

Our perspective is built on the basis of what surrounds us, but it also depends on oneself to seek something more. Each one decides the path of their own life. But for that, wisdom and understanding are needed. We cannot flee from objective truth solely for personal interests and benefits and create a mask of morality and ethics when we do not apply it to ourselves.

I have reached the end of these confessions and I need to close with the only thing I truly know with certainty about myself.

My original form is a formless state. And I adapt to what others allow me to be. In this case, it is to the universe itself. All my life I have grown by strengthening my barrier while I expand it. And my structure is based on non-structure within a duality. I have my structure while I accept structure in all its forms.

The layers that define me are my own interior, composed of an irreducible dual unity that I have called ego and consciousness. The ego is the determinate part within the mind. Consciousness is the indeterminate part, the space where the imagination defines this individual space. Exactly as in the dual metric of the MCMC: there cannot exist a self without an outside of the self. To know that we are ourselves, we have to know that the rest are not me. It is a duality that comes from the dual unity that composes our mind. It is the birth of our own inner entropy.

This path has been full of extreme experiences. From moments of deep darkness and despair, to peak experiences of connection with the entire universe. It has not been free of falls and mistakes, but each of these moments has taught me something valuable about myself and about human nature. I have learned to accept the dynamism of existence, the relativity inherent in all experience, and to value deeply authenticity, individuality, essence and the root as fundamental pillars in my life.

I know how stupid my reason is. To understand it and to share it. As if I could put into words something that was felt with the whole body. As if I could transmit a vision that was born not from thought but from the dissolution of thought. But I try. Because there has always been in me an authentic desire to share my lessons and reflections. Because I believe that, if this serves even a single person to begin to truly look at themselves, it will have been worth it: every night of loneliness, every betrayal, every mask that I had to learn to see without losing faith that behind the mask there is always a core.